Let me back up before I even begin.
First, our trash service. At our apartment complex we have something called, "Valet Trash Service," I know, I know, DOESN'T GET MUCH FANCIER THAN THAT. Instead of having to actually walk our selves to the dumpster, the lovely, lovely dumpster, we can simply put the trash outside of our doors and have it picked up at night! I can imagine those of your who are usually on trash duty - men I'm looking at you - would be all, heeey, that's AWESOME. And it is, EXCEPT.
Except for when Bud is out of town and the last thing I want is some random person pounding up the stairs, encouraging the dogs to bark danger! DANGER, ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION, DANGER?! And I'm like HOW COULD I NOT BE, MY HEART IS POUNDING TOO NOW THANKS TO VALET TRASH SERVICE? We're all in full adrenelin mode and then the dude runs back down the stairs and I tell the dogs to shut up already because um, it was just the trash service.
So generally I try and put the trash bag at the bottom of the stairs to signal see? Here's the trash! Right here conveniently NOT up the stairs. Thanks for noticing! BUT. And I'm glad you asked. What happens when there is no trash to PUT at the bottom? Aaaaand, the problem continues because they have to RUN (and run they do) up the stairs to just check.
SO. That is problem number one. Valet Trash Service which is sort of like too much of a good thing. Or a friend being just a little too nice until you can take it no longer and scream SHOW ME THE DARK INSIDE SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T A POD. Whew, maybe that is only just me.
The second problem and I promise this one won't drag out quite as long. I have decided to make my own wreath this Christmas. When I was younger, my mother would save the clippings from our tree and use a soft wreath base and hook-like pins to fix the evergreen to the wreath base. Again, this part doesn't really matter. You just need to know the details.
Saturday we went and cut our own tree at a little tree farm - something I insisted on doing even though it was negative thirty degrees and that is odd in Alabama - and saved the clippings. I was going to make this wreath this year. GOING TO. It took me a while at Michael's and not a few salespeople to assist me in my quest for, "you know, it's like a...a soft wreath? And then you use these U-shaped pins? And press the tree bits? What the hell are tree bits really called? The tree branches? You know what I mean?" And then they would kind of sigh and roll their eyes and point to an aisle all, I can't believe she doesn't know the appropriate name for these obscure craft pieces.
I finally found a straw wreath and some odd wooden pins attached to wire and, I don't know, I had to use the bathroom and was so ready to leave that place and I bought them and thought, I can figure it out, I know I can.
Have you already put two and two together? Do you know what happened after ALL THAT? THE GODDAMN VALET TRASH SERVICE POUNDED UP THE STAIRS LAST NIGHT, SCARING ME AND MY DOGS, AND STOLE MY LEFTOVER TREE BITS MEANT TO BE PART OF A GLORIOUS WREATH.
The end.
